Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy 4th of July??

I'll probably catch some heat about this, but I'm going to be honest: The 4th of July is probably my least favorite holiday. On this day, America is supposed to celebrate our Declaration of Independence from the crown of England. We as a nation are supposed to reflect on the genius of the Founders who wrote inspired words beyond their times like these:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.


But most won't. Instead people will go outside in the heat and sit around and bitch about their lives. They'll bitch about the high price of gas, but they'll still buy a big ass SUV that gets 12MPG. They'll bitch about how their property taxes are too high, while they bitch about our crumbling infrastructure. They'll bitch that teachers are paid too much and in the next breath complain about our "failing" public education system. They'll bitch that politicians are all crooks, yet fail to involve themselves in politics what so ever. They'll bitch about our government, but they'll refuse to watch C-Span, contact their Senator, learn the name of their US Representative, or even vote in local elections. I'm not a hot weather person. I hate the heat in July. But I hate the bitching more.

Next, while we are out in the heat bitching, we'll stand around an even hotter grill, and cook hot dogs until they turn black and blister, seer hamburgers until they are hard as rubber, and turn any tender white chicken into dark meat. Of course there will be potato salad and any other type of side dish that is not suppose to sit around in the heat sitting around in the heat. This of course will attract flies and bees. Additional protein, right?

So as we'll stand around in the heat, getting hotter by the grill, turning various meats into charcoal, eating potentially rancid potato salad, and we will drink. I rarely drink, but don't have a problem with people who do in moderation. Yet on the 4th it just seems like people tend to drink to the point of stupidity. As they dehydrate themselves standing around in the heat, they seem to mistakenly think that alcohol re-hydrates the body. This makes them loud, stupid, and where beer is concerned, allows the men to have the ability to piss nearly on command.

Now that we've sat around in the heat dehydrating ourselves, eaten meat that resembles charcoal, and raised our blood- alcohol levels to the point our senses are dulled, it's time for explosives! What would be the point of the 4th of July without blowing stuff up? Now in most places, such explosives are illegal. But that won't stop us, as the SUV can easily make it over the state line on a couple of tanks of gas and has tons of cargo room for illegal contraband. Isn't it great that those things go boom. Really loud! Wow, light a match, light the fuse, throw the M-80 in your neighbor's yard at 3 a.m. and it goes boom. Really loud too. How cool is that? In a slightly intoxicated state, senselessly blowing stuff up gives one hell of a sense of power. Woo-hoo! Me a man! Me blow stuff up! Maybe even my hand or a neighbor's kid. But hey, all in good fun, right?

No, standing around in the heat, eating over cooked meat, with slightly drunk people setting off explosives just isn't high up on my list of things to do. I don't think this is what the founders had in mind when they signed the Declaration of Independence either.